Journal Entries, shadow work

Worthiness & Purpose Pursuit

After writing about LOML, I feel kind of melancholy realizing I’m capable of the love I was given by him in my own way, but unable to express it to the one person most deserving of receiving that from me. I know now that my expectations of this person being “the one” create the feeling of loss I’d spent so much time lingering in. The lesson really was to learn my own capacity to love and the need to accept in equal measure what I know I am able to give. I’m more than thankful to his influence because I better understand now and more readily connect to my own sense of self worth because of it. I’ll never not think of him with much fondness and regret, but I have accepted that person’s absence in my life does not negate my potential to find and embody a robust and certain love.

I realize that while I knew intellectually I was deserving of and able to give love, my subconscious beliefs and childhood experiences contradicted my rational mind. My relationships with him and everyone I encountered up until recently reflected this. Pluto going direct in my 2nd house (Capricorn) has brought many experiences regarding setting appropriate boundaries with others and myself that speak to a stronger sense of worthiness and self-respect. I’ll admit it’s caused some discomfort, having to re-evaluate the role I play in other’s lives and the roles I give others in mine, but overall it’s positive. The result is renewed faith in my own self and a new ability to accept others as they are without expecting more of them than they can deliver.

Lately I’ve also been considering the longer term ramifications of my thoughts, self-talk, actions or lack there of. How these things affect my potential to reach my goals or the likelihood that I can/will act in my own best interest. I’ve decided to work on mastery of my own energy and healing by using my intuitive astrology knowledge and I’m excited knowing this will also help in the pursuit of my goal of assisting others with their own growth and healing.

My job is freezing today. Fall arrived full fledged and abruptly, but the air is still on blast. I’m feeling a little moody and more than a bit nostalgic. I have some decisions to make re:work/finances and how best to embody with action. I splurged on 10 yoga sessons for $30 and I’m excited to get back into it. I need to get more physical, regain my flexibility and balance and also to create a stronger mind-body connection. I think it was a good investment and a way to use my time that won’t cost me anything else for a little while.

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