There have been many epiphanies lately in light of my reflection on self sabotage, participation in essentially dissatisfying connections, and hesitancy when it comes to wholeheartedly pursuing my passions. I realize that a lot of these issues and behaviors are from a toxic and internalized belief that was re-iterated to me often as a child that I “expect too much out of life”. Growing up in a household where depression was normalized rather than addressed, I didn’t realize how skewed the perceptions were of the person teaching and rearing me until I began embodying and suffering the consequences of those limiting ideologies.
One large result of that belief and also compacted by my astrology (Retrograde Mars in 2nd house of personal values/self worth opposite moon/mercury, planets of emotion/information processing and communication) was that I often was afraid to put forth too much effort into something due to fear of failure. In fact, the more I wanted something, someone, some experience, the less likely I was to try hard for it. Irony in action. Mercury is retrograde until 9/5 and I’m being called and answering to re-evaluate my habits of communication and when and with whom I’m triggered into damaging energetic exchanges. It’s been a while since I’ve poet-ed and lately, it’s been nudging at me to get back into the artistic creative use of language for the purposes of self-exploration and self-expression. It’s daunting to think about, but also exciting and if there isn’t one thing I’ve learned the hard way is if it scares and excites me simultaneously, it will grow me as well.
Being ex-communicated from LOML was probably the strongest repetition of a lesson that has been following me since childhood. Fear is a sign pointing toward a growth opportunity. I’m going to start by doing a few stream of conscious writings just to get back into the creative verbal flow. I guess we’ll see the extent of the growth and the span of the necessary releases after the eclipse. LOOOOOL