Saturn Returns Me Inside Out. Every time.

Polarity One: 1st and 7th Houses  The first polarity turns around the issues of self/other. Am I deeply immersed in myself and not relating to others? Or am  I so caught up in a relationship that I have forgotten who I am? Resolution: merging. As you discover who you are, give all  that you find to your partner. As you are immersed in the other, see clearly and deeply that you are your partner. Teaching:  the Mayan saying “In Lak’etch, I’ ll Laken”—“I am yourself, you are another.” 

So here’s a look at what I’m currently dealing with as Saturn goes retrograde again in Sagittarius. While all of us are navigating this energy in transit, I’m actually always dealing with these issues and themes since this is my natal placement (Saturn Retro in Sag) and I’m currently experiencing a return… This Dirty-30 is grimey indeed for a generation like mine. We are those who buck naturally at any limitation, struggle, conflict, or oppression of freedom.  Just look at the current socio-economic/political/religious climate.  That being very strong energy is an understatement.

In reference to the above passage, for me this sometimes means that the desire to escape from or to journey into the self by way of or alongside an other(s) can sometimes manifest in a way that takes away from the need for solo journey into the self.  This is what must actually occur in order for a true merging to occur.  I have an Aries North Node so this lesson is doubled for me. I must learn to value, focus on, speak for, live for and be true to self before merging with others. Respect for self above all (including others) is a hard learned lesson from someone who was raised in an environment of guilt as reward for authentic vulnerability.

Putting my own needs and desires above those of others is an idea ridden with shame and other shadow emotions I’m probably only consciously beginning to release due to the Saturn Return transit and its back and forth movement in my 1st house.  The conflict or necessary tension between a need to heal my relationship with relationships themselves (Natal Chiron in the 7th, Transit Chiron square natal Chiron) and responsibility-Saturn to be unapolegetically self-Sag (self healing, self caring, self interested, and authentically self-expressive), especially in relation to others often feels like an implosion inside the self when I am not consciously able to separate my self-perception from that of others, allowing it to affect myself esteem.  I find myself acting out of character because I’ve equated my own identity with other’s perception (or lack thereof) of my shortcomings.

Saturn is the planet of lessons learned through hard work, limitation, and pain.  It teaches us patience.  Anyone who’s tracked Saturn transits through their natal chart knows, there is no rushing (the transit, the work, or the lesson).  As this slow moving planet of discipline, time and hard work transits my first house (that of self projection/expression/identity), I’m learning the hard lessons of authentically and conscientiously presenting myself, my truth, my experience, wisdom, and sense of universal love to others. More importantly, I’m learning to show those things to myself regardless of others acceptance or understanding.  That requires knowing and accepting the self.

As I navigate this transit and watch many  of my friends (who are in the same age group) struggle to catch up and mature or reap benefit of hard work and steady progress in various areas of their lives, I’m acutely aware of the necessity of being true to oneself.   The recent retrograde turn of so many planets (Venus who’s now direct, Jupiter, Mercury, Saturn, and Pluto HAWT DAMN) has all of us rewinding, regressing, reviewing, and now re-establishing order within. As I reflect on what energy I put out and what was received in turn…  Mustn’t we ask ourselves.  How closely did actions reflect intentions and what confusion, uncertainty, or lack of stability internally contributed to that inaccurate or undesirable presentation?  What hard work is left to do on the inside to manifest on the outside the potential inherent in all of us?

Re-establishment of order internally doesn’t just mean going for what I want (although self-motivation is a big theme for me), but being honest with myself (ourselves) as I experience this slowing down. Where we are, what we need, and where we come up short or over zealous in meeting those needs and having those needs met in the external world is up for reassessment.  It’s time to put the work in by acting on lessons we’ve learned since Jan 2015.  It’s also about expressing personal truth not just in a way that is comfortable (because this transit certainly isn’t meant to leave us feeling comfy), but that in a way best reflects an accurate vision of one’s best self, best potential for growth and best intentions to connect inter-personally.

Honoring the need for structure, even while knowing how stressful it can be, is  made easier by knowing how the structure supports creative unfoldment rather than restricts growth.

(both quotes from Astrology and the Rising of the Kundalini: The Transformative Power of Chiron, Saturn, & Uranus by Barbara Hand Chow)

You can get your natal chart and look at Saturn’s placement through the houses at CafeAstrology

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