03.27.2017

I was proud of myself for having completed a great majority of the menial tasks I set for myself over the weekend. When you deal with true depression, sometimes just taking good care of yourself and personal business is a feat unto itself. Lately I’ve been fighting off a true depressive episode, complete with hiding and shower skips. The fact that after taking care of business, splurging on a bottle of $5 Lambrusco, a set of sheets, and some Febreeze scented kitty litter, having just enough to continue handling business until I get paid to do so again should be not bothersome. I managed to find most of the books on my list for the year already in my Google drive or otherwise available free of cost. It’s now a matter of cultivating the discipline to create and consistently follow a self care and self education routine that allows me to remain stable through emotional upheaval.

My financial learning and circumstances have often left me feeling drained. I am debating smoking cessation (SYKE got a mini-vape 3.29.17 post entry)​ to detox both mind and body. Clarity is so fleeting now, and that fluttering highlights an acute need for focus and discipline, active detachment from toxicity, mediocrity, lethargy, etc. Letting go as an act of love for self rather than punishment or the need to push my point at someone else. I’m rethinking guilt that comes with acting in my own best interest, with regard to decision making or changing my mind and holding back my own movement in consideration for the feelings and perceptions of loved ones, most of whom would not extend me the same favor. I’m no longer learning to be selfish, but redefining what it means to be unapologetically self loving.

It is hard. I struggle still with judgment (of self and other) and fear that I may never heal to the point of progress, habits that reflect more disdain and internalized misperceptions of self than desire, discipline or understanding. Knowing participation in one-sided relationships, addictions, laziness, and wreckless/dangerous decisions lead me to exploring the true nature of self-sabotage. The need for interpersonal connections that encourage my growth, involve deep sharing and honest feedback, offering and receiving constructive critique of general behavior and steps along the path to purpose.

A part of me has begin to consider how allowing lack of connection to others hinders my movement is a problem. No one can do this for me, no one can choose how or what or the affects of what I choose to do. Not trying or allowing myself to feel fulfilled and worthy because there is no one to share with is stunting hindering and stiffening me.
Alas, I’ve been isolated mentally emotionally and socially for so long that the need to balance that lack and disconnect is strong. To have my transformation or lack thereof reflected back from another source IS necessary. I cannot track interpersonal growth without others who are genuine to provide the responses/feedback/reciprocation about the impact I am having.

I am less inspired lately when it comes to creating new poetry, but creative non-fiction and journaling have become more enjoyable. Prose it is then. I will focus my poetry concerns on editing incomplete drafts and putting together chap books to publish in sequence. I’ve also been making effort to regularly study and write about astrology, and also to make more jewelry for sale. The need to be in someway creative at all times is ever present.

In the back of every goal and idea I have about my growth is a new need for simplicity. I used to think living a fulfilling emotional life with financial stability would be complicated (much energy certainly goes into both endeavors). The reality is that while requiring much effort, complication is unnecessary. Waking up everyday, choosing who I want to be how I want to experience the world and doing what makes me happy is what life is about. It doesn’t have to be hard to develop a lifestyle that doesn’t glorify productivity and business but promotes growth, movement, and a space not filled with stuff but tools and objects that serve the multi-purposes of form, function, and freedom.

I’m letting go of the sense that I see, know, or am more/less than others because it has kept me disconnected to date. Comparison kills for beter and worse. I’m over designating differences so I’m trying now to defy previous definitions.

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