03.24.2017



I really enjoy observing and hearing from this man. That’s a problem. Red flags are flapping and flying in abundance, but there’s also much that has what seems like gravitational pull upon me. I hear the call of his shortcomings as much as his attributes and must consistently remind self to disregard expectations and attachments in order to fully experience the reality of each moment without superimposing my emotional baggage onto any situation. Slowly, I want to back off sexually because I know acquiescing (as much my desire as his) affected the direction of the relationship and the likelihood we manifest the potential inherent in the connection on a mental/emotional plane. I know what I want, I know how ready I am to meet someone halfway, and in this situation I learned that the starting point to meeting someone else halfway is keeping sight of who I am as well in a situation for better and for worse. I must accept I didn’t ask for what I wanted and often actively sought less.

I want a spiritual emotional bond and I recognized right away that this person sought something similar or was capable of giving me what I want and need in connection. However, what I didn’t see from was the desire to work on the connection outside the physical. Weenis be damned, I need depth of the limitless type. We share issues and a desire to grow in similar areas and by similar means.  But having residual baggage that matches does not a true bond make.

I’ve also been looking into and reading more about the spiritual importance of ritual and how to create them for myself. pineal meditation and kundalini specific yoga keep jumping out as ways to heal, so I guess I have to deepen my understanding of these practices and maybe re-explore what kind of change they can foster in my own life. I can feel transformation on an internal level that motivates me to keep putting forth effort to change and consistently improve.

I have been so afraid to connect too deeply to others, not intentionally but looking back, when it came time to tell the stories that hurt and embarrass, to expose the wounds that are still tender, I never told the whole story to someone and trusted them to sit with it. I’ve never just been unapologetic in my truth. As I grow, and observe the outside world from a new place, I see so much fear of love and I’m forced to self-reflect on how many times I pushed that kind of healing away or took for granted the person lending it to me had it in abundance to wait until I was ready.

How many times have I waited to focus my energy on my loved ones until after I projected hurt from the past? How many times have I seen true authentic healthy love moving in and took flight? We run because we’ll lose what we’ve grown dependent upon and emotionally attached to, because we’ve not let go of past pain, because we can no longer trust ourselves to make decisions in our own best interest (anything we really like/love/desire is bad for us by default because that’s what experience has shown us).

The love we allow ourselves to receive from others when we are hurting is what facilitates our healing. It is by reminding us that we’re worthy of receiving love, of self, of other, of the universe. That is the point of it all. Experiencing the world means I am going to hurt. Why not give myself the chance at healing that authentically exploring myself and another offers? I need the real of it all now. I can stomach nothing less than depth, sharing, and reciprocation.

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