Journaling Prompt: Brainstorm a list of circumstances and people surrounding your recurring pattern. For example, do you tend to attach yourself to “the wrong kind of person”, when you’re scared and insecure, or happy and unguarded? What was happening in your life just before and after each occurrence. Circle(I’m coloring them) surrounding circumstances that seem to accompany with the main pattern.
6.3.2015: Enter the Interpersonal Intrapersona
Anytime I’m dealing with a significant change (which I know is necessary and helpful, but I still struggle to accept), I tend to feel stuck.
Entering/Exiting a relationship with Voldermort (he-who-must-not-be-named) was a big series of changes. I kind of thought eventually the dust would settle and that time would eliminate everything I had internalized. I thought that if I did more, said more, showed more, I would get back what I was offering.
When I’m feeling happy, I’m usually by myself or with people who express an understanding of things I feel unable to express. Not that I’m always not able to express, but that it feels as if I’ve not found the words to depict my experience/emotion. These are the people I’ve managed to maintain the strongest bonds and connections to, for the most part. They are also the people that when I am experiencing a depressive episode, don’t try to make me feel better nor try to make me feel guilty for not being able to pick myself up right away, they just accept my fluctuations and encourage me. Most importantly, I appreciate them because they acknowledge my feelings in those moments, without taking them personally.
When Im feeling insecure, I tend to subconsciously seek out people who either feel like I feel or the exact opposite. Those who have achieved some semblance of self-mastery or control over their emotions and self-worth. I’ll elaborate more on this in a separate entry.
When I feel uncertain (rather than insecure per se) I tend to be most unstable emotionally and my behavior is also erratic. Sometimes it’s because of misunderstanding with others, sometimes due to misunderstanding with myself. I tend to lash out verbally, make irresponsible choices financially, and participate in escapist behaviors when I feel overwhelmed with unknowns.
All of this relates to my tendency to wait, procrastinate, and be generally non-participating in the present moment, I’m just not in a place mentally to be elaborate in my explanation of these tendencies today.