Poems In Progress, Stream of Conscious (SOC)

AWWJE: Patterns & Pathologies

Journal Prompt: Do you wonder why certain types of events, hurts, or experiences, seem to occur over and over? Or why certain kinds of people keep appearing in your life (and refusing to go away)?n nFreewrite about one recurring pattern in your life. What is the same and what changes each time?

5.30.15 “Waiting in Vain for Myself to Arrive” I have been waiting for a long time, thinking when this money or time came, when that situation is over, when those people are around/away, I’ll be able to pursue my dreams, I’ll be free to be my best self, there’ll be no obstacles to stop me from taking the direct route to the life that’s supposed to be mine. Waiting, for peace, for motivation, for approval, for a companion, for the unknown to become known. Waiting. Indefinitely. No resolution or expected outcome, just waiting.   I’ve waited in relationships for appreciation, waiting for reciprocation, waited for understanding and the impetus to change or to challenge the love I was perceiving, waited for respect I had long since abandoned, waited for the abandonment of another, abandoning self in the process. Then, I waited alone. For myself to return. In solitude, I searched for some attribute or sentiment that would lend itself to a feeling of inner peace or acceptance, waited for some line to draw itself between my authentic self and my internalization of other’s expectation, watching the tick tocks toll, watching the calendar flip, watching life pass. Meanwhile, the pressure inside is building, waiting for me to express my pain, tread a path, recognize my own power to create a world for myself. The combustible nature of my purest passions refuses to be ignored, they turn me to cinders from within, not content to sit idle in anticipation. As the ashes fall, I’m reminded “in order to fly, a phoenix first must burn”.

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